External --> Internal Validation

It's funny now, after the pain I endured for so long.

I get to laugh now, I get to sit back and see the truth from my side for what it truly is to be internally validated.

When someone you love shows you who they are, you have to choose to believe them otherwise you're in denial.

I was in denial for a long time, why?

Being in denial allowed me to continue to indulge myself in something that was less than optimal because I was fooling myself.

It's so easy to blame others for the pain we feel but the truth is that If I blamed someone else for the PAIN that I have felt then I would also equally have to attribute the LOVE I feel to others aswell, and I am not willing to do that.

At this point, absolutely EVERYTHING I experience in my own body, I own.

I have learned to take FULL responsibility for myself.

How? Why? Out of neccessity.

It was the only way through that was making itself known to me.

See because the more I searched outside of myself for Love and Approval and to be seen and heard and understood, I gave my power away.

When I realized what I had to do was give myself all the things I was seeking externally, I had no idea HOW to do it I just knew that I could not stay stuck in the cycle of expectation and disappoinment, the game of right and wrong, and Fear and shame.

I KNEW I had to step outside of my "COMFORT" and step into a space where I was fully acknowledging myself, my feelings, my thoughts, my perspective. I had to step into holding SPACE for myself to be seen and heard and acknowledged, instead of running away and abandoning myself and judging myself and rejecting myself.

When I started to do that I will tell you that It was NOT comfortable, I WAS crawling out of my skin!

What do you mean, LOVE myself, Hear myself, HOLD myself?

All I knew was running away from my feelings and running away from my fears through distraction, dissociation, addiction, giving my power away.

I was lost, confused, defeated and when I got married I carried that energy of self-abandonment, so what did that mean for me?

It meant that my husband had no other option but to mirror that to me.

He was emotionally unavailable, insecure and shut me down and out.

I begged, pleaded, cried to him, "Don't do this, Please." "I'm dying, I said."

I was, I felt like I was dying because being ignored and being rejected and not being acknowledged kills the ego.

It was my OWN feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, insecurity and fear being MIRRORED back to me.

I tried, to no avail, to get him to just SEE how much his lack of emotional availability was hurting me.

He didn't seem to care, I don't think he realized, the more I felt like trash the closer I was getting to divorce.

On top of not being loved, seen, heard, acknowledged, he would also add fuel to the fire by pointing out any shortcoming he was witnessing.

It was part truth and part projection.

I was a completely different person then.

I am a completely different person now.

2021 My divorce was finalized.

The next 4 years would be riddled with many moments of intensity in struggle with myself and my life and learning to come back to a place of peace.

The point is, YOU KNOW what is good for you and what is NOT good for you.

Sometimes we are so used to punishing ourselves for the things we've done we find comfort in it.

It took me a few years to make the break.

From there I began the process of healing.

I met someone who showed me another side to myself, someone who lifted me up but it was still me seeking something from an external source.

So here I am writing this blog, on the heels of a 30 min music rehearsal in my bedroom.

As I am now 90+ days sober hard drugs/alcohol I have gained another layer of perspective.

Everytime I sat with myself in DEEP pain from all the times I had put myself in compromising positions, all the times I had disrespected myself and FELT it and stopped making those feelings MEAN something about me that was not true I alchemized those emotions into an inner STRENGTH.

All this to say, If you're feeling lost, confused, broken, this is your call to take responsibility for yourself, your life and your emotions.

To sit with yourself whatever that means for you, to feel your feelings without judgment and to keep going no matter what, to be determined to create a life that is better than what it is now.

YOU have the power, YOU have the ability, YOU get to choose to do it.

I love you.